ten ways to support new parents

prioritise the practical

these children of mine are now 17 + 13. Time, hey. My friend Tim took this photo and he also taught me how to use my camera so I could capture my kids as they grew up. He’s currently offering 40% off his accessible online photography courses - use the code: JODI.

Dear new mum,

How do you want to be supported?

I think this is a question we all want to be asked in pregnancy so that we can move into postpartum knowing there is someone who understands. But also, it’s a good question to ask yourself. At first it may feel uncomfortable, much like asking for help.

I think these are the small steps we need to take to move towards a community and society that cherishes new parents. It starts with the sharing of information which informs a new mindset and slowly, thoughts become actions which eventually lead to practical support.

I also know that we’ve still got a really long way to go for all new mothers to feel supported. Of course, change can start with us.

It’s helpful to remember that in early motherhood you’re innately vulnerable - physiologically and psychologically. You’re actually more likely to be diagnosed with a mental health condition in the year after birth than at any other time in your life.

The prevention and solution? Support.

Of course, some mental health challenges are unavoidable - genetics and hormones play a major role. There’s also so much we still don’t know about how brain changes in pregnancy can inform and influence mental health (early research is pointing to inflammation).

But we do know that having a trusted person in your life who will listen, offer reassurance, and take care of what you can’t in the home, significantly relieves the mental load of early motherhood.

I know so many of my readers here are mums. But there’s also kind people who have new mums in their lives and who want to offer meaningful, tangible support.

Here’s how you can really help:

1. Know that ‘postpartum’ doesn’t have a definitive end and neither should support.

2. A new mum will often want someone trusted close by but not want constant conversation. Your presence in the home is reassuring but don’t always expect a social catchup.

3. There’s a common phrase in doula circles that nods to the fact that in the early weeks, chosen visitors should take on the role of ‘staff’. I think this can often be taken as an abrasive order, but think of it more as a definition of your support: prioritise the practical above anything else.

4. With this in mind, take care of what the new parents can’t. Washing, dishes, groceries, cooking, recycling, rubbish, gardening.

5. A new mother will spend a lot of time in bed and in the bathroom. If you have a short period of time to help but what to make a significant difference to her week, clean her bathroom and change her sheets. Both tasks are physically challenging (sometimes impossible) in the weeks after birth.

6. There’s a lot of unpredictability in the fourth trimester (the 12 weeks after birth) but what you can guarantee is that a new baby will be quite unsettled in the early evening, hence cooking dinner can be near impossible. This is why a pre-made meal is so beneficial to new parents. Ideally postpartum food should be warming, nourishing and easily digestible. Make sure you label the meal clearly with ingredients and the date you cooked it. My friend Naomi has a wonderful postpartum e-book brimming with delicious recipes (highly recommend the coconut beef curry).

7. If you’ve been invited, it’s comforting for a new mother to know in advance that you’ll be spending the day (or morning/afternoon) in her home. Message the day before to remind her that you’re coming and that you intend to clean her house and support her to have a shower and a nap (also tell her that she doesn’t have to reply). Turn up with a takeaway coffee and morning tea and instead of asking what needs to be done, just get in there and do it. There will inevitably be dishes to wash and laundry to fold. She may not want you to hold her baby but remember, you’re there to hold her.

8. Be aware of the symptoms of perinatal anxiety and depression. Often family members and close friends are the first ones to notice a change in behaviour (this is particularly relevant to postpartum psychosis which is rare but considered a mental health emergency). PANDA is a great resource for this.

9. If there’s older siblings, taking them out of the house for the morning or afternoon is an incredible help. It gives the child dedicated time with an adult, helps them run off their energy and often, they’ll want to talk and process the major life change of welcoming a new baby into the family.

10. Offer to accompany the new mother to any appointments she needs to attend. Getting out of the house with a newborn is an almighty effort. Your presence is comforting and an extra set of hands is always appreciated.

Till next time, take care x