postpartum without a village

10 practical steps you can take to prepare

I’m in the thick of book publicity mode which is always a bit of a whirlwind. I’m grateful I don’t have to leave home though; it’s bitterly cold here today and I’m cosy and warm by the fire. A few things:

• I just chatted to

  Courtney Adamo
  about The Complete Guide to Postpartum and you can watch + listen here.

• I’ve also written an article for Women’s Agenda on matrescence as the antidote to the harmful ‘bounce back’ paradigm.

• And finally, this morning the postman delivered the audiobook on CD; it came it at 18 hours and 37 minutes. Oh my goodness! The audiobook is available to purchase and download in the usual audiobook places.

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Dear new mum,

When everyone is telling you to reach out for support, you may be wishing that someone would just reach in.

It’s all well and good to hear: ‘rally your village!’ but that isn’t possible if you live away from friends and family and have a small social circle. You may feel a very real grief for this and that’s expected; you’re missing something that feels, on a primal level, to be vital at this stage of your life.

Maternal loneliness is now considered to be a concern for many mothers and it significantly informs maternal mental health. We know that having a baby is the life experience most likely to negatively impact your relationship with your partner but it also impacts your social circle.

“Studies show that the strength of your friendships typically decreases after birth, and you may find this particularly pertinent if you’re the first of your social group to have a baby. Because unless you’ve had children, it’s really hard to understand the magnitude of care required and the intention to prioritise your baby and their needs above anything else. Your priorities naturally shift when you become a parent, and that can easily become an unavoidable social chasm.” - from The Complete Guide to Postpartum

Remember that we’re an interdependent species; we’ve evolved to live together and support each other. I don’t think that’s ever more relevant than when we’re talking about early parenthood. Oxytocin is a social learning hormone so when it’s flooding your system after birth, you want people nearby to support you. It’s basic human nature so of course it feels like there’s something wrong when the support doesn’t eventuate.

But there are practical steps you can take to prepare for postpartum. They’re relevant to everyone and they can guide you to a place where you do feel like you have a foundation of support, even if there won’t be a meal train or coffees on your doorstep.

Yes, you’ll need to be proactive with this but as with all things, small steps are a good idea.

Does it make me sad that there are thousands of new parents in the world wishing they had support? To be honest, it’s all I thought about when writing the book. It’s a massive social issue and I hope the conversations I have here and online help to fuel the conversation about what mothers really need from the people close to them and the people in power who make decisions about health care and social support systems.

Perhaps it’s an idealistic ask? We’ve got to try though, don’t we.

How to plan for postpartum:

1. Read The Complete Guide to Postpartum.

The entire first chapter is dedicated to explaining what your needs will be and how you can practically prepare. I recommend reading it in your third trimester.

2. Connect with a family GP who has a special interest in perinatal health.

You would think this is a prerequisite for all doctors but that’s just not the case. Most GPs only have roughly 1hour of education on breastfeeding support, for instance. Your doctor will be your primary source of health information, advice, and guidance for the next few years. If you can, choose well (and use tele-health if you live regionally/rurally).

3. If you intend to breastfeed, find a local lactation consultant and chat to them in pregnancy.

Breastfeeding starts well before it’s go-time and there is so much practical preparation you can do in pregnancy. It’s also recommended that you book an appointment a few days after your estimated due date so the support is lined up and ready to go (yes, you will likely need it). Lactation consultants can also guide you with all infant feeding concerns and challenges.

4. Know that a women’s health physiotherapist is pre-habilitation (and birth preparation) in pregnancy, and vital for your pelvic floor healing in postpartum.

This is relevant regardless of how you birth (when I spoke to one physiotherapist in my research, she explained that when a caesarean incision is repaired, the pelvic floor muscles are pulled up and that can cause a hypertonic - excessively tight - pelvic floor which can lead to general pain and painful intercourse). Every mother benefits from personalised physiotherapy after birth.

5. Fill your freezer.

You will be hungry in postpartum and warm, nourishing food (and enough of it) benefits your birth recovery, mental health and milk supply. I always recommend my friend Naomi’s e-cookbook (50% off with the code: DEARNEWMUM) and she also sells a scrumptious cookie-mix that you can quickly make at home.

6. Understand evolutionary biology.

It helps you understand so much about newborn behaviour and is a pathway to self-compassion for your own journey to becoming a mother. Where do you find the information? In The Complete Guide to Postpartum, of course.

7. Facilitate an oxytocin-boosting mindset.

Oxytocin is the love hormone that assists with healing, bonding and breastfeeding. It also lowers your stress levels and fills you with the gooey, cosy sense that everything will be okay. It is absolutely vital for your physical and mental health in postpartum and you can prompt it to flow with comfortable clothes, warm food, soft music, dim lighting, skin-to-skin with your baby, conversation with someone you trust.

8. Accept that you’ll need to surrender - every hour of every day.

There is so much we can’t control in postpartum but remember: a bad day/night doesn’t mean you’ll have a bad week. Postpartum is nothing like you see on social media; it’s messy, teary, wobbly (physically and emotionally), awe-filled and likely to bring about a whole gamut of emotions in any one moment. As well as looking after your baby you’re at your most physiologically and psychologically vulnerable — you need the most self-compassion you’ve ever given yourself. A big part of surrendering is debunking the myths and establishing realistic expectations based on fact. I’ve listed them here.

9. Join a mother’s group

I know everyone has a different experience with mother’s groups but it can be so comforting to connect with mothers who have babies of a similar age. There is nothing like a whatsapp group of people who really get you (especially during the witching hours).

10. Get curious about parents + baby groups at your local library, Steiner/Montessori schools and Singing Mamas

I really found my people at sing, read and rhyme time and early motherhood groups facilitated through independent schools. I know this is very dependent on where you live but it’s also not something that many first-time parents consider. I also interviewed Kate Valentine who started Singing Mamas in the UK and it’s now an international programme that is endorsed in England by the NHS. It’s so powerful for maternal mental health, that mothers with depression experienced a 73% decrease in their symptoms after 10 weeks of group singing.

Please share this with the pregnant parents in your life. I’ll be back next Wednesday with a little more reassurance for you. Thank you for being here and reading my work. I’m never not grateful for your time.

Jodi x