what to do on the hard days

lower your expectations, cancel plans, settle into a new rhythm

Dear new mum,

If you’re currently having a hard day and you don’t have the time or space to read this letter, you can listen to me chat about motherhood, matrescence and making space on the most recent episode of Practical Permaculture Podcast. Someone referred to it as a ‘healing listen’ and while I wouldn’t go that far, perhaps it is what you need to hear today?

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when my friend Lou came to take these photos of me with my youngest, I remember giving up on trying to tidy the chaos of the house. It was an absolute mess! And for the first time I didn’t care who saw it. I was freshly postpartum with my fourth baby and by then I understood what really mattered — rest, healing, bonding, strengthening, eating good food and getting some sun on my face.

What to do when the day feels impossibly hard?

Firstly, admit that it’s hard. Say it out loud: this is so hard! and maybe follow it up with: I feel really stressed.

This verbal admission is profound; it helps to relieve a bit of your overwhelm. It’s also such a beautiful example for your children because you’re showing them that it’s okay to feel all feelings and not push them down.

Now that you’ve admitted that you’re having a hard day, remind yourself that this doesn’t mean you’ll have a hard week.

Life with babies and small children is unpredictable and you really do need to cultivate a ‘mindset of surrender’ (a beautiful suggestion from birth and postpartum doula, Samantha Gunn, who I interviewed for The Complete Guide to Postpartum).

This is just the way it is today; it’s not forever.

Ask yourself: what do I need? And I know that you’ll likely need a multitude of things but let’s start small:

• a glass of water

• a hot coffee

• a moment in the sun

• a body stretch

• a shower

Sometimes it’s best to let go of all the plans you had for the day. Motherhood (and all of life, if we’re being completely honest) requires the ability to lower our expectations and go with the flow. Today’s flow is challenging you and it’s likely made more challenging because you’re not reaching the goals you set for yourself; you’re not ticking anything off the list and this makes you feel unproductive and, perhaps, like you’re not good enough.

Remember: being at home and parenting young children is considered one of the most stressful jobs in the world and is similarly stressful to an inner-city police officer. It’s helpful to remember that parenting is hard and it’s exhausting. In the early years, it’s very physical, too — you’re always holding, cradling, lifting, soothing, and chasing. Your brain is likely swamped with information and your body is weary.

So, what’s in your control?

I think it’s sometimes most helpful to follow your baby’s lead. Newborns and small babies are always seeking comfort, safety and security. They want to be on your or near you because you are their habitat. This means that there will be many days in the early months when you are probably best to sit on the couch and hold your baby to your chest. This isn’t ‘nothing’ — it provides physical comfort and emotional stability for your baby. It allows them to feel at ease while their brain establishes thousands of new neural connections every single day. And because this snuggling — especially when you’re skin to skin — released oxytocin, it’s helping you to relax, too. It’s therapeutic! Your body is healing while the lovely, gooey sense of comfort and connection is flooding your system.

If you’ve got a toddler, go at their pace. Sometimes energy needs to be run out, sometimes you need to wander around the garden or the park and crouch to look at everything your child notices; it’s sensory stimulation which aids sleep and also helps you breathe a bit deeper.

It’s slow and meticulous and the greatest lesson exists here, in slowing down to pay attention.

If the house is overwhelming you with its constant reminders of what needs to be done and you can’t go outside (although if you can, go for a wander under the sky no matter the weather), set the timer for 10 minutes and do what you can in that time. Or, if you just can’t be bothered, leave it for another day.

Your worth as a parent is not dictated by the cleanliness of your home nor is it measured by how many ticks on your to-do list.

If parenthood feels constantly challenging and you’re at the stage where you need to speak to someone, make an appointment with your GP to organise a mental health plan so you can be referred to a perinatal psychologist. If you have a history of mental illness or you’re noticing persistent low mood in pregnancy, this is a really proactive step you can take to prepare for postpartum.

Many of the psychologists I spoke to in my research nodded to the fact that often only a few sessions are required for you to notice a profound difference in your mindset. But also, everyday conversation is early mental health prevention. Chat to the mums at the park, to the barista making your coffee, to the neighbour weeding their garden. These incidental conversations really do bolster you.

In the meantime, if you feel like you need to speak to someone, you can access helpful resources and support via COPE, PANDA and Gidget Foundation.

You may think I wrote this being far removed from the innate overwhelm of the early years. But this week I’ve had to remind myself that I can only do what I can do — it’s been a busy week of musical rehearsals, parent/teacher interviews, basketball games, doctor appointments, dentist appointments and catching up from being away for two weeks. The house is a mess, the washing pile is enormous and the one thing I’m doing to make sure I don’t unravel in the midst of it all is getting into bed by 7:30pm each night to read my book. A small act of care that makes a profound difference.

I hope you can care for yourself today in a meaningful way.

Till next time x