Dear new mum,
If you’ve ever thought to yourself: I don’t know who I am anymore, then this post is for you.
I’m responding to a reader question where she details the immense struggle (and guilt) of being a mother to two young children but pining for the accomplishment, satisfaction and financial independence of her career.
“I would love to hear your thoughts on this struggle, and any advice you have for finding peace and trust in the journey of identity, work and motherhood.”
Peace and trust — they take time. And I think when we’re discussing new motherhood we really have to welcome all mothers and their experiences. Some of us are incredibly content to leave our jobs behind and sink fully into stay-at-home mum mode. Others find the transition deeply uncomfortable, like a part of them is missing and they’re not really sure who they are without their career; and then they felt guilt and shame because the consistent message of: be grateful has underlying tones of: don’t complain.
This is exacerbated for mothers who experienced infertility: they tried so hard to bring their baby into the world, the pressure to enjoy every minute is even more pronounced.
And for all these reasons, and many others, research shows that professional women who become mothers later in life have a more challenging time in the transition; they’re more likely to experience perinatal anxiety and depression and postpartum psychosis.
Moving from a life of structure — where each week had clear goals, reliable routines and the space and time to focus on getting work done (and doing it to a high standard) — to one that’s completely unstructured, is utterly discombobulating. It’s common to feel defeated and for thoughts of I’m not good enough to sink in.
You can love being a mother but not love the work of mothering. As I wrote in this letter, we, as mothers, are consumed with care taking and repetitive tasks through every day and night. The bugbear of motherhood is the monotony — wipe, feed, change, lift, cradle, soothe, wash — and yet it is also where the sweet, precious magic lives, if we slow down long enough to notice it.
Postpartum is a slow season and sometimes it can help to surrender to this; to momentarily let go of the desire to be elsewhere.
And yet, this monotony and magic doesn’t have to be everything. You can still want to be someone else beneath and beyond ‘mother’.
I think it’s always helpful to come back to the fact that the perfect mother doesn’t exist, but society benefits immensely from mothers who strive to be perfect. The truth is in the numbers: the unpaid care industry is worth $650 billion dollars. That’s equivalent to three mining sectors. Society works — thrives! — because of mothers (and other carers).
Regardless of our professional experience before we become mothers, we never know how we’re going to feel in postpartum. But what we know from research on the maternal brain and matrescence, is that an identity-shift is unavoidable. It’s as inevitable as leaking breasts and a soft belly.
There is always a phase where you question who you are and what you want.
What informs these thoughts? Most influential is the social narrative of the ‘good mother’ who is self-sacrificing and grateful. It’s a narrative that silences the ambiguous feelings that are so normal in postpartum — the grief and regret that no one dares speak of — so if (when!) we feel them, we immediately feel shame which further clouds our truth.
And then there’s the paradox of modern parenthood: the cost of living dictates we return to paid work, but the childcare industry is a mess and strips us of an income.
It feels impossible because it often is impossible.
But remember: all feelings and experiences are valid. You can love your baby and also loathe the monotony of life at home with small children. The brain changes we experience in pregnancy make us more resilient to boredom but there’s no denying the fact that many of us need the spark of creativity and productivity to feel alive.
This is not something to be ashamed of. And it’s definitely not something to smother.
Identity is one of our most basic human needs; we have a primal urge to understand who we are. All mothers need space to figure out who they are, without judgement.
In postpartum, you’re in the liminal phase between who you once were and who you’re becoming. It’s uncomfortable and frustrating and deeply unsettling. As you figure it out the only thing you really can do is be patient and trust that you’ll find your way - eventually.
These things take time; the answer isn’t always clear cut. And the process is messy — you’ll like feel angry and resentful, there may be a fear that you’re missing out and you’ll never get back to where you once were.
Denying your truth - what feels right for you in the moment - is more damaging than carrying on as if everything is fine. When we talk about the hard parts of motherhood we normalise the ambivalence and dismantle the lofty and often ridiculous expectations.
I’m always comforted by the fact that there’s never an ideal balance. There is always the juggle of home/work, caring/creating, mother/woman. Accepting this juggle goes a long way to settling the mind and bringing you more contentedly into the present.
Till next time, take care x
ICYMI:
As a first time mum of a 3mo (corrected age) preemie bub, with today being a particularly hard day, the push notification for your article could not have come at a better time. You're comforting words have helped calm thoughts of lost identity and the unknown, so thankyou ❤️
Thank you so much for writing to my question, Jodi. I am so heartened by your words and your insistence that while there’s no concrete solution, these feelings are valid and there’s value in the juggle. I’m going to be rereading this response and mulling over it - and my own experience - for a while. ❤️🙏